My Opinion, NotMeButYou, Photgraphy, San Francisco

So, so you think…

As I read an email from someone I find is keen with their use of words not long after waking up and began to contemplate my day a few things have crossed my mind as I enjoy my coffee. Perhaps some tea a bit later, time will tell.

I am walking through recent memories I created a few days ago when I walked to the beach to take in whatever I may encounter. The image in this post is one of the results of my trip out in the damp and cool morning.

As those experiences develop and blend within the grow and context and connections are forming. I see the world around me and place all the empirical input with my thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs. As so often is the case, my pondering where I am and how do I best move forward. Then, then I turn to what is not within me and look at society through my lens and filters.

To make this shorter for you and less laborious, I have the lyrics from a song. You might have heard this one, likely numerous times. Here is the verse of that song:

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Pink Floyd – “Wish You Were Here”

As much as I have been though and continue to I hope I am not, nor will not trade myself simply to have some, however fleeting and meaningless, easier time by being just like ‘they’ want me to be and like everyone else.

My Opinion

Working on it

There was a time in my life I worked and I don’t mean I had a job when I say worked. I buried myself in what I referred to then as my career. When I was not at work I read and learned to improve. I might have been at work too much.

Today I have basically the same job but when I am not on the clock so to speak I do not work. My reason for working in the capacity I once did is no longer present.

I worked the way I did for a reason and I lied to myself at the time what that reason was. I told myself all the things one says or hears about such behavior, it was, for the most part a guise. I gained from this and in many of the expected ways. I am pretty good at what I do, or so I think so and others seem to express this as well.

The real reason I worked and pushed as I did was always there, yet I discounted that. I needed to escape from my own life at the time. I was in a place I did not belong and I was not who I am. I used work in a feild that has frequent emergencies to distract me. I needed this. I needed to buy myself time to get to where I could be, where I could be alive. It took a very long time, decades in fact. I did it eventually. I broke free from the life I lived in hiding.

Today I work to have some structure, schedule and of course pay the bills. I use what I have learned through my experience to do my job. I also bring myself, my whole self be it good bad or indifferent with me. The work I do is technical and I have allowed my creative self to inject more and more. Showing up with humanity, creativity and technical skills I tend to push the boundaries a bit at times.

I like what I do but wish I could do something with my abilities that means more than supplying a fortune 500 company with my knowledge and efforts. One day that may be a reality but I am not there yet.

I have grown through work but more importantly it bought me time and taught me lessons so I can be here and alive, both literally and figuratively, today.

I have said more times than I could recall over the past year plus; it took everything in my life to get to exactly where I am today. I hold no regrets.

My Opinion, Written

Baggage and Fear

While I may not have much of what many aspire to such as money or whatever, I have found that I have more than I could have imagined earlier in my previous life. What I do have is worth more than any amount of money, notoriety, or anything I can label in such a way.

When the time in my life came as a eureka or epiphany that it was so clear and obvious that I had to let go of what I feared and start to live life, I never anticipated what would really happen. I dove into the unknown with little more than an “I must” or “What choice do I have”, etc. It might have been able to be described as a suicide mission or kamikaze. In ways there might be something there, in that I sacrificed “things” to get to today. I left so much behind, but that was baggage that I carried because I thought I had to, not out of need. I left much fear, anxiety, stress, confusion, and what kept me from being and living a full and engaged life.

While it has not been all sunshine and roses at every moment, the moments that were and are not just perfect are in important ways, good to have and that makes the bad, well, not so bad and actually good.

What I can see I have learned and picked up as I dropped all that burdened me and held me back and down, this gave me strength and room to find, see and appreciate more and more. I have space in my life for what is good and helpful.

The best path I took was when I was in a place that I risked everything, family, friends, work and beyond. What I found was I lost nothing but what I should have never held on to in the first place.

With care and compassion I go forward having trust in myself and leave those where they may be who cannot appreciate how far I have come.

Mental cobwebs no longer collect as they did. Emotional baggage has been cleared out. A once dark and dusty attic has rays of sun in the day and a clear view of the stars at night.

Trans, Written

A text from one with a heart of gold and soul of stardust.

Those that know me and keep in touch in some form know this has not been an easy year in so many ways. I am not about to spell all that out here, so not the point I am attempting to make.

I have good days, less good to just plain bad as people do. I do what I can to deal with what is, let go of what is not, remember what has been and not be to set or depend on what is not yet.

But, this is not about me, but a text from a wonderful friend recently. I do not want to add too many details of fill in many of the gaps. I would like to show that there are people who are genuine with a heart and affinity to care about others to a grand extent.

Those souls are good, kind and caring, not for self or personal gain, acknowledgement or accolades.

I am blessed, fortunate or lucky, whatever word you place on this my gratitude is immense to have anyone in my life I can say this about.

This is the text I mentioned and reading it fills me with so much happiness and not just for myself, but this tells me that there are people out there that are not just good, but naturally are beyond spectacular.

Do your best for everyone as often as you can find any ability to do so, yourself included.


Shopping and Fashion Sense

If someone likes to shop (and I am talking about clothes here) it does not mean that person has a sense of fashion. Then if a person has a sense of fashion this does not automatically mean they like to shop.

The same is generally true for gender and orientation. One does not define the other. The only obvious link is terminology here. Oh, and social stereotypes, but fuck those.

I started with shopping and fashion so I will return now that I have said my truncated part on gender and sexual orientation.

As this short story goes… I have an amazing friend who texted me recently about a date she has and what to wear. What makes this just beyond amazing for me is she is AFAB or assigned female at birth and cis gender and I am trans feminine. For me to be asked thoughts on what she should wear on a date is a compliment I am not going to question and take as a big boost to my ability to put an outfit together, regardless of reality.

It seems to me from a great number of conversations over the years that she does like to shop but may not have the fashion sense she wants or has the energy / time to pursue. This is no slight at all. We are all who we are and that is that.

Now, a little side note: I will send her a link to this so there is some chance the person I am mentioning could chose to click the link and then make a second choice to read this. I think she will see if those decisions end up with her reading this post. So for everyone else, you have some indication of what could happen or whatever you may makeup as probable for yourself. I digress again.

So I took screenshots of our texts and removed identifying things. I asked, so stop bitching about that AITA crap!

This is close to the start of the text.

There is so much context here and no I will not fill anyone else in on any of that other than to mention I sent a selfie of what I was wearing recently when I was going out.

Things progressed to this as I realized what was going on. I just jumped right into giving advice where my experience level puts me in a place where I should not be saying any of this.

It is much the same as a average teenager proclaiming; Yes highly educated person I disagree with your dissertation and I am going to tell you why you are wrong and I know better than you even though I have no experience, education or whatever to do so. Well, that sounded good in my head, but you can translate to get what I am saying with this.

Then it looks like I tried to head down a new topic path and just might have further taken liberties to dig myself a deeper hole.

Good friends are amazing and when a text like this happens I cannot help but be happy I can say these crazy things and then make a post like this knowing fully I will give her the opportunity to see it.

Go have an amazing date! Let me know how it goes.