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Do people exchange judgement for being judged?
I might be delusional if I thought this would receive any deep thought and consideration and yet I ask all the same:
What is the difference between being criticized and criticizing others?
If as a creative spirit I am an artist, then my genre is experimental in the human and emotional inter and external landscape. General and likely applies quite openly to a great many. No claims on being special or above anyone here.
When I create, be it digital or in real life, like many I am exploring or endeavor to understand some aspect of life. As life is an experience and in one way or another an exploration and or a series of trial and error or experiments. Words, images, color, shape, etc. they all convey thoughts and ideas where understanding is hopefully a component.
I think we misuse understanding and saturate or better yet, dilute what is understanding in the process. I do not understand and therefore I create.
I tend to focus on emotion and humanity. While big, deep and wide topics, I dive in and explore even as I do not know what I may find; kinda the point of an adventure or exploration.
I am not set on making something that is simply pleasing to the eye. In actuality what I or others may see in a visual, auditory or other physical sense we may have is simply a vehicle or transport from what I feel or think to what others do. All the interpretations and adjustments that happen in the process is just that, part of the process.
When I see what other create I also look at what the cost was to bring this into the world. I could look at the time, effort and cost it took, but no, this is not the most significant parts it likely cost to create. It is the emotional labor and in some cases trauma and or struggle to get to where whatever piece is in existence required this to be.
I want to feel something that can inspire me in an emotional or human way. It does not need to be pleasant to look at. It does not even need to be easy. I could continue down this path of words, but why belabor this.
There is no human alive; past, present or future that has the authority to force another human out of their own control of self. Be that mind, body or spirit.
This is what makes all humanity equal.
The surrender of this fundamental and basic right as a person is so often taken and given. The struggle begins at birth and perpetuates to death.
The efforts to dismantle of each of us is a endless storm and those who can weather this are those that live. All who bow down and surrender never have a life of anything.
Claim for yourself in mind, body and spirit as yours and yours alone.
Of a society enamored with Tweet size text bits and TikTok video clips I see something, or rather many somethings.
Be it attention span, the let’s just get to the point, in a rush to whatever – I find for myself that life is missing in the banter and arguments for or against whatever some point some try so desperately to make.
The addition, compulsion or fascination with this approach to sudo or false (as I see it) life will be here for the foreseeable future.
After the moment of fuzzy minded I am overcome with upon waking and like a dream it all dissipates into a forgotten memory, the day begins. I use the descriptor day for ease of communication sake, as the sun is never (again “never”, a word not used literally) as it is enough to say and communicate to get closer to a sense of understanding. So, the morning, yes, Coffee, often music and WTF am I in-store for today? The typical temp and sometimes precipitation, wind, UV may be a thought or what is on my work or personal calendar?
Now, to get on with this ramble, my post-fuzz thought is what is under my umbrella of influence to encourage a day I would like to have?
I went to the SFMOMA a while back. Taking a peak at photos I took there and inspiration starts to burn off more of my fog obscuring ‘stuff’.
Not the museum photo that could be a first thought. I was interested in something else that day.
Another one in the similar exploration in search of something.
I will get to a typical, show the whole piece, eventually.
Just like past posts, if you look at the same things in the same way how could you find something new? Maybe one can or not but this is not my style.
Here are a couple, you can see all of what we tend to look at in the frame images.
Yes! A bit of queerness!
I intend to chose how I see today and what will happen for a vantage that is good over, well duh, bad.
Just as you probably have a different take on the images here than me, I can chose on many levels how today sits with me. If I end up screwing up, then I may look at today down the road and see what I missed.
When doing or making a change feels daunting and will just end up being counterproductive, making this even worse – this is an opportunity. When stress and or anxiety is crushing and hope is just a pipe dream, this is a chance to do something.
Progress, growth and getting someplace does not just happen as luck. When was the last time you heard of anyone just minding their own business and a stranger just walks up and gives them a pile of money or whatever. I know of none. Mundane or blending in as indistinguishable does not (as far as I know) get one anywhere but where they already are, which is nowhere new, better or in some cases worse.
You will never know unless you do. There is no growth without struggle. Tiny incremental changes can inch forward or maybe just a mm here and there is probably more accurate. I personally want more from my life than a few centimeters of possibility. So, I push into the uncomfortable or at times stressful and then the anxious or frightening when I should.
I am lucky in the sense that I can sometimes see an opportunity, then times it takes amazing people to help me realized those. If I can find anything in me that shows I have some level of preparation then I have just become lucky. The meeting of a possibility and some however fuzzy ideas I might be able to handle whatever is there, this is the fortune I simply need to work moving towards.
I had an amazing morning recently. This is a short video I took that morning.
And later on;
My videos do not conform to the TikTok mentality, nor my words to the Tweet size bit. This is not my intention or desire. The next video is in the same revolt against the compulsive media cessation of a populations addiction.
These videos for me anyway need more than just the visual and sound. They need thought added in to build them with context of feelings and emotions as they may relate to the world I experience around me. Think of it as an augmentation of empirical data from reality over augmented reality from simulated visuals to bring whatever data into view. Feel something, do things amazing with what one senses and make life better and not simply inundate more data on top of more data for the sake of data.
Now, back to what I was saying;
Then it felt as it all crashed down to rubble. A wise person (whether they know it or not) suggested I say screw it and get out over just retreating to the couch in my own sorrow. I did pick my ass off the couch and get out to see the city and take in the views. My camera bag loaded up and I set out.
I was able to get a few photos, but as I quickly found that I was not searching for pictures, I was searching for a way to turn my crappy day into something good. I was successful. I shed the doubt. I left the anxiety at home. I found a day walking SF that was golden beyond the sunshine or the bridge’s name.
We, or I see the world as I do. This is so often a product of my emotions, thoughts and I have to include a heavy helping from my subconscious. It is not easy when I feel like hell but I can shift the angle of my lens or change the focus, aperture, shutter ISO, etc. Any adjustment can have spectacular results that change what is a dark, damp and dreary mood into the sun and the moon and all the stars.
When on a trajectory, change is so often not an simple effort. If it is, perhaps perspective is what is changing not a given path. As I measure and exert effort of the line I have been traveling a calibration is overdue. Balance and align my direction and how view my own motion.
As I may have my head in the clouds, my gaze is on finding the arc to accelerate to escape velocity to get a closer view of the stars.
I stepped out recently and found people I have missed far more than I have been admitting to myself. I recommend taking the time to say hello and the hot chocolate.
Recently I was asked by a friend if I wanted to ride around on the way to pick up her daughter a little later. I texted back “I can put clothes on, what time?” I was wearing PJ’s contemplating how I could get sleep as I have deprived myself for far too long of this simple and essential part of living. With her response as it was I pulled off my pajamas and tossed on clothes. My smaller camera bag was already packed minus a camera. Into the bag went a camera and as I stepped out my door texted I was ready.
As we pulled away she asked a question that prompted me to tell a story about moments in my life and off my mouth went as my camera emerged and the shutter sounded with the lens looking out the window. We wound through the park, Golden Gate Park for non San Francisco residents. It was glorious to see people out doing what they do. Bike riders, walkers, joggers and everything else. As we wound through the Presidio I just kept chatting away with each ask on what I had been rambling on about.
I am always surprised when anyone comments on my incessant chatter that I am a good storyteller and have had interesting experiences. I take this as a complement and yet, I am just me, another person and human, what makes a good story about me and what I have gone through? As I think through this today I find inspiration.
My thought have turned to sharing some of these stories. How about a memoir style journal series of some snippet or moment as I recount the events that some find they like to hear. I like to write and I hope I can incorporate media of multiple types; photos, audio, mixed media of the digital and physical form.
This comes to mind, aside from the lyrics gender reference that is obvious to anyone who has the wrong pronouns lobbed like grenades in their direction is often more attune to, good match lyrically, kinda, but only knda.
I am flipping through the card catalogue of some of the vocal reenactments searching for one to recount here as a start. I think I will let you know when I find one I want to step out with. OK?
In the mean-time, photos for your eyes (and audio above, I bet you noticed that though), I do hope I might entertain you while I try not to get a paper-cut searching for a memory to tell.
Just why does this seem appealing to me? I ask this question to myself my description begins with the duh, obvious response: Maybe someone will like it, then quickly moves on to more meaningful things. As the story teller it could help me and may have the same effect on someone who takes this in. Yep, that is a big broad statement and says next to nothing I know. In sharing these stories there might be those who relate or see something in themselves just slightly different than before to nudge a part of them in the direction of whatever it is that it does, better be a good nudge though. Least of which is to entertain, but this is just a symptom or side effect. not a goal. Then there is those who might be challenged and to those the phrase “Art is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.”
When I start compiling these I will tag them with #memoir and whatever title is settle on.
It was not easy for me to have any understanding. A greater effort was needed to have an acceptance of what I want to express here. An idea that permeated so much of my life could be described as this. And still, it was and still is to some extent or another. As the title reads: Lies and secrets.
The hardest thing it would make sense to think is what I know, feel, think, believe and so on are based on something unknown or not understood. In one way or another the almost blind acceptance that I was there, I saw with my eyes, heard, felt, tasted, others did as well or whatever the case may be so that it must be, it is immutable as truth. This make so much sense and then when I look at life and the world around me, make connections and comparisons or see contrast it raises questions. One of those is the lies and secrets people have from even themselves. It may sound like a stretch to have this happen or to do this but think about it if you can. This is a defense mechanism for trauma or other destructive experiences one may have in life. An act of self preservation if you chose to look at it this way.
Then there is reality. Reality is not a whole and shared thing. Ones experiences in every form from observations to thoughts and feelings filter and augment every aspect of how we even take in our environment and as this passed through our own very unique collection of reality altering filters we do not even take in to begin with what is the base or source reality.
One needs a degree of trust in self no doubt, but a complete disregard for the shift in what is and what we see as reality is in itself a lie. In maintaining that lie hides those secrets we cannot even face within our-self.
Coming to terms with this is not a quick or easy process. It takes much effort and time that can not easily be quantified. The end is also fuzzy. The journey to where one might go with these thoughts is once again, in my view where to be and cherish, enjoy and learn from. This is no small ask to pose in my mind and I keep asking anyway. Easy is not a destination. The path being worth it is where I find joy. The struggle on the way, the small victories are the reward. arriving at a destination tells me I need to find somewhere to go next. If I stop and claim contentment, saying I am done then I may as well have died. When I stop growing, learning I see this as the end of living.
I will never catch every lie or know all the secrets I hold from myself, that is not my desire. My goal is to keep living, learning and growing so I am more than a just body with a heartbeat. My heart should beat with more, far more than simply a physical biological action.
Just like cleaning or making the bed, it will get dirty again or you will turn down the covers to sleep, they will need to be done again. I will never get to a place that the mental cobwebs are never to return. I will also carry some amount of emotional baggage. I can attempt to be prepared to clean and carry these, or anticipate and expect this simply is and move on to my next mistake I might transform into something better than I ever saw it before.
As I was searching through photos for an image I took an unknown number of months ago I located a video clip of what I photographed and changed my direction. The featured image is from the video edit.
And here is the 5 second video I tossed together, because I wanted to.
Empress Em 