Can something viewed as fake or synthetic be seen as real either within oneself or in others? The default correct answer here is it depends in my mind.
I have and continue to struggle and this is one of the foundations in this fight I have. I need so badly to be seen as myself. This is not an easy thing to achieve as a trans woman. Others cannot read my mind or know my soul but they can see with their eyes. The human eye is powerful and influential to people as a generality and so often experiences in my life support this.
The conundrum is I do not pass as a cis woman and synthetic or prosthetics can help me get closer. The hesitation is I will not be seen. The temporary augmentation is not real in a sense.
I could get surgery or do any number of things to make changes permanent. I am not rich and I have work to do in my thoughts before I could, not to mention the expense I cannot currently afford.
I do have a few wigs and prosthetic hips. I have not worn a wig in quite a long time. I supplement with a hat to help me not feel like a flashing neon target. I do not wear the hips, I did once but that was a trial and not much else.
Back to my opening question, can something synthetic be real? I am not asking in the Pinocchio sense or can synthetic become organic but in the representation way. Can artificial be, even if within ones own self, real and not an illusion, facade or lie?
I have to say yes, it is possible. The person of my last post I think can testify to that, though I have not asked. I know this can be for myself and that is the true and final evaluation that I am looking for this morning.
As I know this can be in one aspect, how can or could I transfer this from an external entity to self? This is where the division is in me. I can bring sytnthetik into reality and it be ‘real’ but what about me? can I add something or temporarily modify my appearance and feel real, beyond makeup, clothes or accessories?
I have not found my place in this world and life at this point. I an pushing and pulling with more effort, endurance and strength than I thought I could employ in a much longer timeline by factors I cannot comprehend. While this now accessible and no longer dormant, the ability I still seek out on the path to get closer to where I must go.
I think often and as far back as I can remember the notion that represents how I feel; Am I alien and everyone else human or it it the other way around. I could put on a face and act a part to fit in this world but that is acceptable to others. This is nothing but torture to me. I am done and walking out of this prison of torture that is relentless wherever I am or whatever I may do awake or asleep. In order for me to exist in any way I must take that long, treacherous and steep walk out of this hell I have been too afraid to leave.