I tried to call you on Mothers Day but you did not answer. You sent me a text after that, that said you were busy spending time with family. If you ever decide I am worthy of being family, you can always reach me.
Yes, I know I have been silent for a while. Rest, recharge and get through some of what life does.
As I woke recently and had coffee I did some reading to understand a friend. As I read I had to notice how part of their activities are related in a human or psychology way to some I am a part of. This of course brought me around to this post.
First, my friend is a furrie. I did not fully understand what this meant and so, I made effort to learn. As I am part of and familiar with te LGBTQ+, kink, etc. communities I has some hesitation on making assumptions. I thought, is is like a Bear? For those wh do not now a Bear is a subcategory under the gay umbrella. As I did not know, I looked it up in mutiple places, just what is a furrie? Not a Bear, I can say that now with a significant level of confidence. Two articels I read were takes on a decade long research study into furries. The social, psychological and less tagible aspects of furries is not unlike so many commuities that get a horrible take in the media. BDSM for example. Most who have not been exposed or had enought of the correct exposure do not have an understanding of this community and think it is one person beating another or tieing someone up. I can say ths is so far from a good way to describe BSDM is is scarry. Kink is also a misrepresented group as well as numerous others.
I have gained more appreciation for my friend and furries than I had before developing a more accutae and through basis of knowledge. Being a trans woman, kinky and a part of the BDSM community and others I knew this was a likely outcome.
Understandibly, many who are in any of these or numerous others keep a line drawn between parts of their life. Be that work, familiy, friends, etc. I am stuggeling a bit with where that line needs to be for me. As an out trans woman I see how much my life has changed, so much for the better but there are negatives. One downside is learning who is really a meaningful part of my life and who is too challenged with aspects to stick around.
If we are all in a fursuit and do not look at what is used to place judgement on others and we can get to know someone without the barriers of that and just be human, have fun being around others then what is the use and point of all those preconceived assumptions in the first place? I can think of a few and none are good for people at the end of the day.
When I was young I was not a fan of sleeping much, well, beyond waking up to go someplace or do something I had no intrest in anyway. When I gained a few mre years of life and started to see how shitty people can be I changed. I started to sleep more. When I was in middle school I self enforced a bedtime for myself. I remember being out with my family at that time and when I saw my bedtime was aproaching I pushed to go back home. As an adult, many years later I was asked how many hours I sleep a night. My answer was 9 or more in that point in time.
Jump ahead in my history to when I was wanting to come out. My sleep quickly went back to when I was very young. I did get enough but life was just too good to miss in so many wonderful ways. Being I was unable to for numerous reasons come out I went back to my sleep a whole bunch state. Then, once again as I was determined to come out and live life, right back to the shorter sleep patterns. I was too happy and excited to be in the world to waste so much time in dreamland, I could be in a world that I needed so desprately for what is more years than I want to admit I was not part of.
Now, I am out and the crushing weight of this hatful world has me getting sleep drunk to escape the presure and the pain.
When empathy and compassion are reduced to a rarity humanity loses the opportunity for hope at a parallel rate.
When I hear someone say “I don’t understand” or “why would someone”, etc. there is all to often a sense of inwardness and a blatant lack of looking outward. When someone cannot find for whatever reason any understanding in another regardless of how different they may seem, empathy and compassion are failing.
I am one to look out upon the world around me with a curiosity and desire to learn and experience what people have to lend in rich and creative ways. To expand what makes society and people amazing, beautiful and interesting.
This is increasingly an uneasy, to be mild, way to look upon society as the grim and evil are there to be seen along side the contrasting. The balance is off and not just a little from my perspective.
Yesterday was a good day.
I slept some.
A message from someone I have not seen in months caused my phone to vibrate.
I was able to stay away from news.
Today is a good day.
I slept some.
I went to my job so I can not be so far behind in my bills.
today was exposure to news.
Bad news of where this country and society is.
Today was a good day.
I am still alive.
I might get some sleep.
Today is Trans Day of Visibility.
Show some love fo trans* and non-binary people. It does not matter if you understand or get-it or not. You are not required to. I am happy and proud to be myself. There is nothing I can imagine, even in the extremes that would make me deny myself of my own life for some comforts or to make things easier, nor anything else my mind can conjure up. Believe what you do, feel how you feel, have your opinions but when those take other peoples ability to live their life keep them to yourself and let others be and silently move on.
The beautiful, strong and talented people that are part of this community have hearts that outshine the sun. The love and beauty is something spectacular to behold. Inspiration to be alive and live is crazy. We are diverse in personality, talent and gifts to share, all we need is to be allowed to live out our lives and be as safe as anyone else doing so.
Big group *HUGS*
As I sit here thinking about life and this and that a message came from someone I may never see again that in an odd way gave me a touch of hope. As a trans person there are so many mountains that must be climbed and at times hope feel distant. It is these small seemingly random gestures that shine a light on the notion that hope is out there.
Let me backup a bit. I am experiencing several challenges that are not small in life. Financial issues is an easy one to communicate as many people understand this. Being cut off from family and friends for geographic, political or religious reasons are on the list. Circumstance be what they are.
And I will change paths further. How about I talk about sex and relationships? I have not thought of myself as poly-amorous or being part of a polycule until recently when I was wondering through my thoughts and decided to give this some thought beyond just the surface. It was a fast turn around in my mind to go from the thought that this is probably not for me to OMG! I never thought of this in such a way!
Lemme explain a bit. I can be moody in ways where as a Bisexual / Pansexual / Omisexual person I can be on a shifting path here. One issue I have made efforts to keep to myself in past relationships is these changes in me that do circle around but are not constant on the sexual side. I will go through a period where I am more attracted to on aspect of a persons gender then less for the same. The thought of a polycule of each person’s major gender expressions are represented then there could be the continuance of romance and a sexual relationship if all involved are on a circular or spiral path in a compatible manner.
Back to the message at the beginning of this. I was sad about a few of my family I wold want to go see if I could when the notification informed me I had a new text to look at.
It was from someone I do not know well but met a few times. They live in another place and their work may not bring them to a place for me to see them again, maybe ever. But it was nice to read. A few short exchanges later and I began a back and forth, up and down between what is in my life and all this and that. Then sat back down to write this.
Where an I headed here? I have yet to figure that one out but I started sad and have alleviated most of that now.
Now, if I could just get a hug that I could really use about now and if there is someone to hold as I could calm my mind to match this tired body and slip into a cozy comfort, then to sleep.
I was out over a recent weekend and a person out running looked at me and when I saw them they just kept their eyes locked on mine. This was a look of pure hate as if I was steeling food from their baby kind of look. This did not look to be a tourist or some rough rural guy but a young woman. This is what it is and is just an example that trans existence manifests a disgusting hate in people.
As I am exposed to more news over the past few days it is unsettling.
While I could easily add another hundred plus links, I know how unproductive that is.
I could spout all manner of thoughts on why this might be happening but I do not see this doing much to help change anthing. The simple fact that it is happening and not only being allowed but in many ways encouraged is the most deploreable thing someone who claims to be a person could do, it is just pure evil and incarnation of a bag full of devils and demons being sold as something else entirely. Snake oil does not apply, as this is potent poison sold as a cure. A cure for what is beyond me.
After the recent photo walk realizing how soon the cherry blossoms could be out I went on a solo walk. Taking a few others while out made for a calm morning with clear skies. Add in a coffee and I found myself in a meditative or perhaps a calmly contemplative state.